About 3 years ago, our Executive Pastor took us through a book that challenged us to pick one word to try and live out for that year. My one word for that year was “order”. I felt as though the year prior was anything but orderly so this word seemed appropriate. During that year, we welcomed a beautiful little girl into the world (13.5 months after our son was born — no, we didn't think it through), sold two houses, bought a new house, moved to Fairhope, and we lost my beloved Dad. It was a tough year, to say the least.
I spent the next year trying to bring order to what I felt like got out of hand. We settled into our new home, got into routines with our kids, and tried our best to achieve our version of normal. It felt good to begin to regain some sort of control over our lives.
As time went on there were seasons where I could feel my “order” slipping away. There were nights where our kids didn't get to bed on time, things didn't go according to plan, and sometimes plans changed all together (meaning that we also spent approximately 1 million dollars eating out ALL week). I found myself constantly falling short of the standards I created for myself. I would get frustrated with the chaotic state of our life that I felt like I let us slip back into time and time again.
You know the questions…
“Is it bad my kids are eating mac and cheese every night?”
“Have I given enough time to my job?
“Have I given enough time to my husband, my mom, my friends….??”
Fast forward to now, the past six months our life has been crazy. Not in a bad way, actually in a good way. Since May our schedules have been insane but our hearts have been full.
Over the past six months TC and I have both had opportunities to teach in “big church”, we were a part of 1 billion summer camps, mission trips, summer parties, family events, birthday parties, telling interns bye, getting new interns, kicking off small groups, and all sorts of other shenanigans. I found myself in the middle of this season swinging back and forth between stressed out and completely fulfilled. Then someone said to me “embrace the chaos, it's yours”. These were simple words that meant a lot to me in this season.
One of the things “my hands get to hold” is my little corner of chaos. I do my best to bring order to it when I can and when I can’t I embrace it — simply because it is right where God has me. In this season I am trying my best to not let the chaos get the best of me. I am trying to allow God's grace to fill in the spaces where I am not enough.
So my house might not be perfectly clean if you come over (don’t you dare look at my baseboards. Get behind me, satan), but there is nothing better than a house full of the laughter of the people I love.
My kids may not always get to bed by 8pm but their little lives are full of youth group nights, rich friendships, and people that LOVE them. They will have years of memories of summer camps, football games, and teenagers that are their “best friends”.
I may not always get my 8 hours of sleep or go to bed with a perfectly clean house, but the late night conversations with TC are priceless. I am learning to trade one more stack of laundry for laughter and good conversation.
Now, don’t you think for a moment I am deserting order in my life, I am an enneagram type 1 and this would go against my very being. I am just embracing some of the chaos that I have been entrusted with. Maybe, this is right where God wants me.
**Side note, due to our chaos in the past six months I have not been faithful to this blog. My deepest apologies. I will embrace the chaos from now on and remain faithful to you. (Maybe)